*waving farewell to 2018*

This is my last post for 2018, my dears. I hope it was a grand year for you! It was a complicated year for me with lots to process. Most of it was good, some of it was not, and all of it was thought-provoking. 2019 is shaping up to bring changes–MANY of them. There are years where you just roll peacefully into them, like a hedgehog shaking off a winter sleep. And there are years where you feel like you’re perched on the edge of a precipice, ready to test new wings. (And you really, really hope they’re not made of newspaper and wax.)

2019 is a precipice year. It’s the year where I get to put my philosophies about living large to the test. It’s a year of certain change and uncertain results. It’s a year of expecting the unexpected and learning to shake hands with the unknown.

Several years ago, when I was at a particularly low point and flirting heavily with anxiety, I decided to create an actual personification of stress. I wanted to befriend her, to sit with her and get comfortable because I knew she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. I visualized myself in an English cottage kitchen (I have a serious fixation about AGAs, y’all), and she knocked at the back door. When I opened it, she was always wearing a neat tweed suit and brogues with a carpetbag in hand. Only her hat was out of character. It was huge and lavish with cabbage roses in unlikely colors.

Did I mention I gave her Helen Mirren’s face? I wanted her to be familiar–strong and not likely to put up with any nonsense I might give her. I called her Dame Uncertainty and invited her in to tea. She sat down and unpacked her carpetbag while I brewed the pot. And every time she pulled something out of the carpetbag, it was a surprise to me. That was the part of the meditation I hadn’t planned. But each time it was something that clicked into a spot deep in my psyche, like the last piece in a massive puzzle, the finishing touch that said, “I see the bigger picture, child, and I know how it all ends.”

These meditations were silly and fun and made me think. They also helped me to cope, reassuring me that I had all I needed to do all I wanted. I don’t know if she will make an appearance in 2019, but if she does, I will invite her in again and offer her tea and scones and thank her for coming.

Happy 2019, my dears. I hope the coming year is so very good to us all. XO

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